Are you physically, mentally and emotionally equipped to be a woman living on a remote ranch? Men, if you score too highly on this, we may be suspicious – and hit you up for advice.
1) If you run out of milk while fixing biscuits for dinner, do you:
a) Pull on your muck boots, grab a flashlight and shake the grain bucket for the Jersey cow
b) Water down the half-and-half and proceed
c) Cry in the pantry and drink vodka
2) How capable are you at changing flat tires?
a) I can change a flat in 15 minutes during a snowstorm
b) Can’t I just Triple A from my cell?
c) Do I have to, like, get dirty?
3) How attached are you to high heels?
a) You mean my Paul Bonds?
b) They’re fun once in a while
c) I live in 4″ stilettos
4) When five unexpected guests show up for supper, do you:
a) Eat a handful of crackers while cooking and serve yourself last
b) Cut each slice of roast in half so it seems like there’s more meat
c) Turn off the lights and hide behind the couch
5) Is your self-esteem directly tied to dating?
a) Yes (see Question 6)
b) No (see Question 7)
6) You’re in luck! Since females are scare, you should enjoy an abundance of male attention. Now, do you prefer a man who:
a) moves frequently and has never actually seen two $50 bills together in the same wallet
b) has health insurance, paid vacations and activities he enjoys outside of work
c) stays home and cares for the kiddos while you prosecute criminals in the courtroom
7) You’re in luck! Dinner dates are as infrequent among big outfit buckaroos as hurricanes in Nevada. You’re much more likely to get an invitation to night calve heifers or go with your honey to shoe a horse. Neither is a spectator sport, so bring your muck boots and learn the difference between a clinch block and pull-offs.
8) You must be able to distinguish a true emergency from a DIY job. For which of these would you dial 911?
a) A missing Mark Dahl snaffle
b) Severe heat stroke
c) A pack rat in the pantry
9) Your idea of enjoyable evening entertainment is:
a) Reading three pages each from a stack of books and calling it channel surfing
b) Watching Good Ol’ Boys on VHS
c) Cocktail hour and a comedy club*
10) Cell phone service is:
a) Nonexistent out here. Silly question!
b) Convenient but not vital, similar to electricity in every room of the camp house and hot running water
c) Vital to life, similar to to oxygen and Taco Bell
If you answered mostly A’s, you’ve got it made in the sage! You have all the mental attributes requisite for surviving in the lonely desert country. Stock up on boxed wine and Netflix, and you can handle anything this lifestyle hurls at you, including but not limited to blizzards, bummer calves, power outages and large quantities of dirt.
If you answered mostly B’s, you’d do well on an outfit 30-50 miles from the nearest town big enough to have at least 4 stoplights. You can chop firewood, but you’re not quite prepared to use a battery-operated lantern in the outhouse.
If you answered mostly C’s, STOP! DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MOVE OUT OF TOWN. The transition will not go well for you or anyone unlucky enough to come into contact with you. Make sure that you always have at least three bars on your cell phone and don’t worry about keeping the gas tank full; you’ll never be more than six miles from a filling station.
*This could work if you substitute “beer” for “cocktail hour” and “old men telling jokes” for “comedy club.”
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