A Cowboy’s Guide To Dating

If you’re a single cowboy who is tired of roaming from ranch to ranch at will, shutting down the party after every rodeo, and seeing actual cash money in your wallet, the quickest way to ruin – I mean remedy – your predicament is to get a steady girlfriend. Being tethered to one woman might limit your social circle in some ways, but it’s nothing that hasn’t happened to all the other good cowboys at least once in their lives.

Hobbles: They’re not just for horses.

Side note: rope hobbles like these can be removed from the horse and used by the happy couple to…tie a gate shut. Duh. What were YOU thinking?

Whether you prefer to meet girls at rodeos, bars, church or dating sites, here are a few old-fashioned tips. Take them with a block of salt.

1)Pick her up for your first date in a fairly older vehicle. If you pick her up for a date in a brand-new pickup truck, she will automatically assume one of three things. 1) You’re not a real cowboy, 2) the majority of your paycheck goes toward the monthly payments and she can look forward to fast food and a flashlight instead of steak and candlelight, or 3) you stole it.

2) When you take her out for your first date, treat her like a lady. Tell her she looks pretty, open her door and pick up the check. If a drunk miner grabs her butt, grab him by the back of the neck and beat his head off a slot machine a few times. Even in this age of gender equality and equal opportunities in the workplace, there isn’t a woman alive whose pulse won’t quicken when she sees a real man defending her honor in public.

3) Lean over and kiss her in the driveway while the two of you are still sitting in your pickup. She’ll think it’s romantic – like you couldn’t wait until you walked her to the door – but this strategy allows you to take full advantage of the cover of darkness to make your move. Plus, the enclosed cab will prevent her from escaping.

4) Present her your best bridle horse as a gift so she can doctor calves with you and enjoy leisurely rides through the countryside whenever she likes. Don’t be afraid to tack a Cowboy Pre-Nup onto the present, though, and verbally indicate that should the two of you split the sheets, the gelding shall remain in your possession. If you have any questions regarding how to construct and enforce such a contract, please contact my husband. (Ed. note: Not only have we remained married for 5 years, we still have the horse.)

5) Don’t underestimate the romantic powers of driving 90 miles round-trip after work to bring her flowers. As the (in)famous Dano Lock once said, “Don’t let nothin’ like fear and common sense hold you back.” Forget what the diamond commercials say; flowers are always appreciated. Plus, they’re affordable for a working cowboy’s wage.

6) Don’t show her your cow camp house until you’ve put a ring on it. If the girl has any sense at all, she’ll take one look at the holes in the wall, stained carpet, and last occupant’s couch that smells like cat urine and hightail it back to town. Be equally cautious about giving her a tour of the single cowboys’ quarters, but for different reasons. The last thing an honest cowboy needs is a woman who knows her way around a bunkhouse. He’d be better off with a counterfeit Appy horse and a rawhide-chewing dog.