Third-Time Parents Versus The Department Stores

My husband and I are expecting our third child, and we were blindsided by the news of his or her impending arrival. In preparation for another baby, I bought a tube of eye cream. I’ve reached my early thirties, and I noticed that this decade is cultivating facial wrinkles like a potato field at plow time. I also purchased a second set of silverware, because I realized we only had flatware settings for four. We can only tell the kids “Take a bite and pass your fork” so many times before someone will realize this isn’t how their friends at school eat dinner.

After the birth of our second child, my husband and I told God and everyone we were done having kids. Then we gave away every single baby item the instant our son outgrew it, because we are idiots. We clearly didn’t understand basic biology, which clearly states that when a man and a woman give away the high chair, they will immediately conceive another child. It’s nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the department stores.

Because now we must re-purchase all the gear and tiny clothing we so optimistically gave away. Many third-time moms like to claim that they know babies don’t really need all the swings, gliders, mobiles, rattles, and miniature specialized food blenders they needlessly bought for their first infant. They say that all babies really need is love, because by now they are experienced at both parenting and lying through their teeth.

Sure, we’d save a ton of money if we could raise the baby on nothing but love. Bonus points if it was 100% whole, natural, organic, non-GMO, BPA-free love. But we’ll likely spring for diapers at some point (like before birth), because I’m pretty sure babies can’t poop on love, even though they can sure defecate on romance.

We will also need to buy baby clothes, which is super annoying because we already had a boy and a girl born in the same season that this one is due.

“Can’t we just wrap the baby in a towel?” asked my husband.

“You mean like…okay, what do you mean?” I replied.

“I mean like a little baby all-in-one toga/diaper system. It would be super efficient; we could just shake out the soiled towel, throw it in the wash, and grab another one. We’ll save a ton on clothes and diapers.”

“Great idea!” I said. “Why don’t we just throw the baby in the washing machine with the soiled towel and save money on bath water, too?”

“Really? We can do that?”
“No. Now give me the credit card. I’m going to Target.”

Even though adding another family member will inevitably increase household expenses – especially if this one rudely expects to eat every day like its older siblings – having another child will also increase the love. It will no longer be 100% whole, natural, organic, non-GMO, BPA-free love, though, because I am chaining myself to the hospital bed until I receive written confirmation that my tubes are tied, cut, burned, folded over, and tied again.

Parents: 1

Department stores: 0

Here’s cute little baby Grace on her first Easter. Will this next baby be dressed in perfectly coordinated outfits? Probably not. But maybe we’ll spring for shoes.