Giant Sponges And Old Cowboys

We usually get the flu for Valentine’s Day. In case that sounds too tricky and icky to wrap, here are a few alternative gift ideas for the upcoming romantic holiday. If you’re shopping for a person from one of these demographics, this guide will offer some helpful suggestions. If you are shopping for people from more than one demographic, then good for you! I mean, you might want to stop shopping and start explaining.

Cowboy’s wife: A bottle of wine and a jug of bleach. A dozen roses and a giant stuffed bear may be more romantic, but flowers die and oversized plush toys are hard to pack. A cowboy’s wife learns to be practical and plan for the massive cleaning job she must undertake every time she and her rope-swinging husband move. And they will move a lot.

20-something horse-crazy gal: Apple-flavored horse treats, his-and-hers bottles of Mane ‘N Tail shampoo for her and her favorite steed, or a pink curry comb. Romantic gestures are often wasted on a girl with a horse, because she has eyes only for her four-legged love. Don’t take it personally, and be persistent. A diamond ring may eventually catch her eye – as long as she can ride down the aisle sitting in the saddle atop her first equine love.

Over 20-something horse-crazy gal: Same as above. Some things don’t change.

Young, single cowboy: A young, single woman. If that sounds inappropriate (it usually is) or illegal (in every state except Nevada), you can’t go wrong with a brand-new pair of shrink-to-fit Levi 501s or a gift certificate to Capriola’s.

Old, single cowboy: If he wanted a steady gal, he’d probably have gotten one by now. But, if you’re an an unusually determined woman bent on winning an aging cowboy’s heart come hell or broken saddle strings, you can’t go wrong with a jug of whiskey, a roll of chew, or a pack of smokes. If he doesn’t drink, chew, or smoke, double check his cowboy card. At least one immoral vice is an iron-clad prerequisite to being a bonafide buckaroo.

California rancher: A sponge. This could be used to soak up the amazing amount of moisture the state has recently received, and another sponge would be handy to absorb the BS that Governor Jerry Brown is feeding citizens of the Golden State by denying their request to end the emergency drought status. Signing legislation to end the extreme water use restrictions would be the best love letter Governor Brown could send to farmers and ranchers, even if it wasn’t SWAK. This is one piece of legislation that can’t be decided behind closed doors based on secretive facts and bureaucratic opinions. Everyone can see that it’s raining.

Nevada rancher: See above, except replace “Governor Jerry Brown” with “BLM.”

Plains State rancher: Hay. This livestock dietary staple is so scarce right now in that winterbound region that you’d probably get a big ol’ kiss on the smacker if you showed up at a rancher’s place with a load of Timothy.

If none of these gifts strike your fancy, don’t forget those items that can be purchased over the counter at your local drugstore and help ease the symptoms resulting from a virus obtained by a romantic encounter: cough drops and a twin pack of Day/NyQuil. Remember, it’s still flu season.